The Worst of the Worst: Episode II

Catch up on Episode I here…

Monday night arrived and I headed to the mutually agreed upon place at the mutual agreed upon time. Before I got ready, I noticed ROBOCOP posted a new Facebook status: “Have a first date tonight that I’m really nervous about, pray to whatever god  you believe in for me.” The familiar sinking feeling returned to me again.

I arrived at our location of choice, I grabbed a seat across from ROBOCOP and ordered a drink. It’s at this point that the most awkward and random conversation I’ve had with another human being commenced.

Let me paint the picture for you: ROBOCOP was seated, his beer to the left of him and to the right there were 4 pieces of gum lined up in a very OCD-esque way. He was a bigger guy, dark spiky hair, glasses and a chin beard and there was something strange going on with his teeth – but I couldn’t get a good enough view to determine what.

The first highlight of our conversation came when he told me that he informed our waiter that he was meeting a girl he met online. So, at this point – all his facebook friends know he’s on a date that he’s nervous about AND our server knows. Perfect!

For his next act, he tells me that he showered and “used more soap” than he normally does, and then proceeded to douse himself in cologne and mouthwash.  My response to this strange statement was awkward laughter. Well, to be honest, more like a chuckle. It was awkward, nonetheless. He then called me mean and stated if someone told him the same thing on a first date that he’d be flattered.

The pauses in conversation were unsettling and I was fighting the urge to run for the door, it was during one of these awkward pauses that he made his next move. ROBOCOP informed me that he’d written some questions in advance and asked if I didn’t mind answering them. I smiled and perked up, welcoming the questions and desperately hoping this would help turn the date around. I emphatically agreed. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out several pages of hand-written questions on legal pad paper.

…SEVERAL…PAGES…

He then informs me that he wrote this list with another girl in mind, so he may skip a few questions that he already knows the answer to. I immediately offered up some advice to ROBOCOP: don’t mention another romantic interest on your first date. Every woman wants to feel special and telling me that his questions were written with another woman in mind  wasn’t information that should have been shared. He defended his actions by saying he was just trying to be honest, which I commended him for. However, there IS a difference between honesty and oversharing.

Here are some of the highlights from his list of questions:

Don’t you think Bill Murray is awesome?

• He lead off with a close-ended question, not the right way to open up a conversation of any sort.

Do you think Optimus Prime would be my friend?

Why won’t Taylor Swift write me back?

In respect to Episodes I, II & III of the Star Wars saga, why is George Lucas trying to ruin my life?

He then started referring back to this blog. Asking questions about some of my posts, and we got on the topic of first date kissing. Now, I had previously posted a blog about “Martin” in which I explain how I find it a bit of a mood-killer for a guy to ask if he can kiss me. Which made me flashback to a text he had sent earlier that day…

Probing further, he asked why I felt the way I did.  I understand some guys may not understand it so I explained why –

1) it’s a mood killer

2) I want a guy who is confident enough to make the first move

• for me – it symbolizes he’s not afraid of taking the lead. I’m not looking to date a scared and frightened boy, I want to date a confident man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to go after it. 

ROBOCOP then called me closed-minded and uncompassionate to the plight of a guy who may be horrified with the idea of making the first move and getting rejected.

Shucking all protocol for normalcy in regards to dating, or normal human interaction – he asks me if I’d want to go to a baseball game with him. By the time we reached this point in our date, I was checked out. I just wanted it to end.  His barrage of questions sounded like they’d been written by a 12-yr old boy with an odd affection towards Taylor Swift. So, I did the unthinkable…I made the decision to be brutally honest with ROBOCOP. There would be no “maybe” or “we’ll see” or any other type of evasive maneuvers on my part, not today! I, very quickly, responded with a simple “no”.

ROBOCOP proceeded to ask “why?”  – a question that I expected, yet hoped he wouldn’t ask.

My response: “So far, you’ve managed to call me mean (several times), uncompassionate and closed-minded. I don’t see things going any further than this meeting and I don’t want to waste your time. You’re a sweet guy, I just don’t think we’re a good fit.”

We then said our goodbyes and left the bar. Needless to say, this experience was just awful. Not only was there no attraction, but sitting at that table with ROBOCOP literally made me sick to my stomach. The conversation was spotty and awkward at best and I’d been repeatedly insulted. I was so ready to go home and take a shower to wash the stench of this disastrous date off of me.

The next morning I was consumed with guilt for rejecting him in such an upfront way. Especially knowing he had confidence issues to begin with. But I’ve been in his shoes before and I would have much rather been rejected up front than had someone pull the good, old-fashioned disappearing act on me.  I think of it like ripping off a band-aid quickly. It may hurt a bit, but I’d want to just get it over with.

This particular date reminds me of when I saw Jaws for the first time. I was terrified to get back in the water for a long time. That’s the exact feeling I have about online dating now, so I immediately took down my dating profile and felt the weight of a hundred bad first dates lifted off my shoulders. Sorry Cupid, things just aren’t working out…it’s time for me to move on.

Good-bye is too good a word for you, Cupid….so I’ll just say fare thee well.